The day before Mother's Day is "Birth Mother's Day." As always, my heart and thoughts are in China this time of year. I know this is an act of futility but the cry of my heart needs to be expressed. I began this letter on my Mother's Day after Mikayla came home. It is still a work in progress as I watch our child grow.
(letter below)
May 8, 2008
To My Daughter’s Birth-Mother,
It's Mothers Day again and as always, my thoughts are with you in China. I realize this letter will never find its way to your mailbox but I hope it will, in some way, find its way into your heart. How do I begin to tell you how I feel? How can I adequately express my appreciation? Even though we have never and will never meet, I know we have much in common. We both cherish life and love our children. I love my children with a passion that borders on obsession. But you….you loved your daughter enough to give her life and then say goodbye. Ending her existence within your womb would have been so easy. Your pain would have been limited to a point in time. No, that’s not really true, is it? Someone who cared enough about her unborn baby to risk so much could never have an abortion and then walk away. Nonetheless, you would not have had to look into her precious little face and gaze into her beautiful, dark eyes knowing you would have to abandon her in order to save her. What thoughts ran through your mind as you tasted her sweet breath? Did you hold her tight as you nursed her trying to memorize her eyes, her hair, and her smell?
How I wish I could talk to you and tell you how much I admire your courage and appreciate your sacrifice. My mother always said we must love our children enough to let them go. I’ve know the gut-wrenching pain of watching my child leave home, knowing he will never live under our roof again. I know the heartache when a child jumps into life feet first without looking. Even so, never have I been faced with a situation as difficult as the one you faced----an impossible situation.
How did you do it? How did you find the courage to walk away from the precious baby you carried for nine months? I KNOW you loved her. Otherwise, you would have taken the easy way out. Instead you did whatever you had to do to protect her and carry her to term. Did you run away and live with relatives in that remote province in order to hide your pregnancy from officials? Did you suffer silently and give birth alone or with the help of a relative or did a kind physician deliver Xin Guang and then conveniently forget?
Did you know from the beginning you would have to give up your daughter? Or….did circumstances force you into that position after her birth? I've been told that women in rural China have little sense of "self" and often have to obey the demands of her husband or even at times, her mother-in-law who wants a son. So many questions and no answers.
My heart breaks for you. Even during our long wait, I prayed for you, thinking of the strength and courage it would take to do the unthinkable---to leave your baby in hopes another would pick up where you were forced to leave off. We’ve been told only five percent of the orphans in China are ever adopted. Did you know that? Did you know your baby had only a five percent chance of ever leaving her poor orphanage? Even so, an orphanage existence would insure she would be fed and warm.
How your heart must continue to ache. Do you sleep at night? I pray so. Furthermore, I will continue to pray for you as I do my best to raise your daughter. It seems grossly unfair that the very thing that gives you such pain is the reason for my joy. Please know my happiness does not emanate from your suffering but from the “reason” of your suffering---your daughter----“our” daughter.
I will do everything in my power to learn as much about Xin Guang’s life before her adoption in order to give her a sense of continuity and respect for her culture. You have my word, I will teach her to love and respect you. I will assure her of how much you loved her and how you risked being identified when you set off fire crackers to insure she was found quickly. Thanks to your actions, a kind family rescued her from the freezing ground within minutes. Were you hiding behind the shrubbery in that small village watching as Mr. Luo scooped her up and held her close to warm her tiny body? Did you have to cover your mouth to keep from screaming, “Stop!” when he carried her inside his small house? How did you find the courage to walk away? I have cried many tears thinking of you and that life-defining moment.
After returning from China, I mailed photos of Xin Guang to Mr. Luo in hopes he would spread the word in his village. Do you know she is safe? Do you know she is loved and cherished? How I wish I knew. Perhaps I could sleep better at night if I did. My heart is intrinsically connected to yours and always will be.
Xin Guang is now a big girl. You would be so proud of her. She is smart, beautiful, compassionate, talented and so very, very sweet. Does she look like you? Do you share her little dimple on one cheek? I often think I would recognize you if I saw you in a crowd. Xin Guang asks about you and worries that you might be sad, hungry or sick. She has cried many tears telling me she misses you. I truly believe her “baby heart” remembers your closeness during your pregnancy and those eleven days following her birth. The hardest thing I’ve ever done has been to hold her as she weeps, looking into those beautiful, dark eyes that have the deep, deep pain of one abandoned. It's all I can do to not look away during those moments as she searches my eyes for answers---answers I do not have. I just hold her and often cry with her. All I can do is reassure her that you indeed love her and that she inherited your courage and love of life. I tell her you are happy knowing you did the right thing, knowing your dreams for her have come true. How I pray that you are.
In closing, I want to pledge to you that I will dedicate my life to helping “our” daughter become all God created her to be. I also pray for your salvation because I long to spend an eternity thanking you, getting to know you, and watching you and Xin Guang get to know each other.
Your “sister” in motherhood,
Teresa
